Nobodi Dey Here: Arise O’ Compashun

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“Papa! Papa!!… You say make I come wake you if dem bring light, NEPA don come o!” the little boy said as he woke his father from sleep.

“Hmm, oya go on that television down for me, wey ya mama?” The father, Mr Augustus, asked his son.

“She dey prepare akamu with akara wey we go chop” the boy answered.

Mr Augustus is a truck driver with one of the road construction companies working around Lagos, he earns a meagre twenty eight thousand, two hundred and fifty naira after the company deducts tax from his monthly pay.  He lives in a ‘room & parlour’ apartment at Okokomaiko, a surburb for the very low income earners in the state and good enough for him, he had just his wife and two kids to care for.  His living standard can be regarded as high class in comparison to his neighbors with two, three wives and as much as five six children in similar apartments.  Every evening at the local gin and herbs joint where he relaxes, he gets accorded the respect of an elder statesman, something he relishes.

He sat, snuff in hand and listened attentively to the morning news, there was a report on the church service held the previous day at the country’s capital Abuja.  It was a special one in celebration of the country’s 51st anniversary.  He listened, in as much as he wanted to take a drag on his snuff right then, the presidents speech held him spellbound. “Some people would want the president to be a lion; some people would want the president to be a troop commander who would crush everybody on sight… to display like kings in the biblical era, like the King of Syria, King of Babylon, Pharaoh of Egypt. Unfortunately, I cannot be one. God knows why I am here… Someone had written in the papers: is Nigeria on auto pilot? I tell them that Nigeria is not on auto pilot. God is in-charge and God will take us to the destination he has destined for us,” these were the words coming from the president of the most populous black nation in the world.

“Ewu! Che na the person wey me I stand inside sun for five hours take vote be dis, chei! We don suffer for dis we country o! dis GEJ na heavy jege o!” Mr Augustus ranted, he packed back the tin of snuff he was going to take and head out of the house.

“Chizoba, tell ya mama say na apku I wan chop o! I no dey for dat akamu wey she dey do. I dey come now, make I quick reach Mama Miracle joint” he told his young daughter on his way out.

It was a Saturday morning, the independence day 2011, he new his cohorts will be at the joint already, he couldn’t wait to share his view on the news he just saw.

“Preeeyyyshun! Standaaarrtise! Left turn! Right turn! About turn! Atteeennnshun! National anthem after two… one, two go! Arise o’ compashun, Nigerians call lobey, to serve our fatherland, with…!!!” Mr August called out as he entered into the joint

“Hahaha!!! Oga Augustus, CON, CNN, MTN, GCON, PIN of the federal republic of naija, Oga Augustus! Hey! You too much! Aaaiiiissss for the man wey sabi” hailed one of the already drunk men under the canopy styled bar.

“We don dey wonder now, say where you dey” the guy continued.

“My people, make una no vex, I say make I wash news, hear wetin Jonathan go yarn for us na. Meanwhile, Mama Miracle, make you give everybody one pelebe each one time” Mr Augustus said.

“Heyyy!!! You too correct our total chairman” everybody at the joint chanted.

“I hope say una don tell una family dem wey dey north make dem carry dem load, begin come back south sharp! If una hear wetin una president talk for televishun ehn! Infact, person suppose just relocate go Ghana o!” Mr Augustus said.

“Oh ho! Na today, the time wey I tell una say the guy too dull to be president, una use sentimental take vote am, e no finish now” said Lopkobiri, one of the drinking men.

“Dis guy na my townsman and me know say na green snake under green grass, since the time wey him don be deputy guv’nor n aim we don see him way, na to drink gbain(pure white local gin) na im the guy sabi, make pepper just dey rest for him account, shikena! E dey sleep dey go be dat!” Lopkobiri said again.

“The one wey fear me pass be as him talk say him no be general, na who come be the commander-in-chief for dis wey naija both sef. I dey suspect say na Patience dey run things for that dem villa, she wan do her own Turai-Festival” Mr Augustus said.

“But una no dey check something o! Me I dey suspect say Jonathan dey use style tell us something so o! Whether na kitchen cabinet abi na cabal like Yar’adua time, dey rule us o! and I dey suspect this Sambo guy well well, the guy no dey too talk, e go just dey smile like Abacha, e go be say na him gangan be the general, dem fit don tie bomb permanently for Jonathan body say, ‘if you yarn rubbish kperen… You go blow ni!” D’Law, another drinking man, said and everybody burst out laughing.

“The matter just tire person for body, even my ten year old son will analyze for you that the sponsors of book haram are in the government but our professor president seem not to be able to figure it out. If one is honored by God and lifted to such an enviable position out of one hundred and sixty million people, you cannot tell me God is still going to be the pilot of this plane, wetin im come be? Co-pilot or air hostess abi na passenger sef” D’Law said again.

“So my people, which way Nigeria”? Mr Augustus asked

“Chief Augustus” D’Law said, “The people deserve the kind of leader they chose to lead them, until we return the award of the happiest people on earth that the rest of the world gave us and truly exhibit our sadness on our faces, take our children’s destiny in our hands like the people of the Arab world, brohs… na die we dey” D’Law concluded.

Lokpobiri then added “You see ehn! Our matter now be like molue wey carry overload on top third mainland bridge, come get driver wey put one big sticker take cover the whole windscreen, so tey person no fit see front… for the sticker dem come write ‘God is in control’, na where we all go land?”.

They all chorused “INSIDE WATER”.

Written by Nobodideyhere



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  1. Na pple like u wey de sabi talk like this de f. Up die if dem get even councillor. Me i don kno sins sey GEJ no go help. No b im tory im tek do campaign? No manifesto, no blueprint. Rubish.

  2. There are some attention-grabbing deadlines on this article however I don’t know if I see all of them center to heart. There may be some validity however I will take maintain opinion till I look into it further. Good article , thanks and we would like extra! Added to FeedBurner as effectively

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