Honorable Secretary #8 (KPAKAM!) By @maskuraid

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Just as I opened my mouth to scream, something beeped. Something loud and insistent.

And I opened my eyes instead.

It had all been a dream – or better still – a very very graphic nightmare. The room was empty and I was alone, atop my bed – blanket flung to the floor – and in my sweat soaked pyjamas. My heart was doing over a hundred kilometers per hour and threatening to burst out of my ribcage while I could still feel Daddy’s grip on my poor neck and Orubebe’s chilling words in my ears. Such was the vividness of the nightmare, but it was just a dream, an ordinary dream. However, the beeping sound that brought me back to reality was not. It was still there, loud and insistent and very real.

It was my phone.


I scrambled off the bed and plucked it off the nightstand.  The time was ten minutes past two in the morning and I had another SMS.  This time it was three words.




The whole of Monday was miserable. I had a terrible headache, probably from waking up that suddenly and shortage of sleep as I didn’t shut my eyes again till morning. Throughout the whole day I was moody, distracted and very irritable, like a bear with a boil on its ass. Even my colleagues noticed and pretty much left me alone in my corner to stew. Susan came around briefly but I just waved her off and turned away when she tried to catch my eye, as I wasn’t in the frame of mind for any stupid playacting. Toyin was back from her mini vacation and she too tried her best to cheer me up during lunch but I just wasn’t in the mood. Even the pictures of her boobs she sent to my phone afterwards did little to alter my state of mind. All I wanted was to be left alone, in peace.  


The drive home didn’t help matters at all. One stupid Keke Marwa broke my side mirror around Alagomeji in Yaba while trying to prove that his three legged bug was as nimble as a ballet dancer. All the pent up rage of the day welled up inside me and at that moment I really felt like I was going to ‘hulk out’. I drove after the muntula who sped off as if nothing had happened and blocked him into a corner a few meters down the road, jumped out of my still running vehicle, and ran over to his tricycle, reaching for his neck. The dude must have seen the murder in my eyes because he just dived away from me, escaping my closing fingers by inches while screaming “oga no vex” over and over. I was incensed. His passengers joined in trying to placate me while he ran and stood out of reach a couple of feet away still begging for mercy. In my frustration I turned off his engine and yanked his keys out of the ignition, marched angrily back into my car and drove off with it to the bemusement of all watching.


Tuesday was much better although I still wasn’t fully back to my old bubbly self. I had to cover for the stuff I’d left undone the previous day so I got in earlier than usual and got down to work with so much seriousness that I didn’t even break for lunch.




It was Toyin.


I picked up the phone and started chatting.




DD: Na wa o. Today’s seriousness nor get part 2.

Me: Don’t mind me. I have to clear this backlog from yesterday.

Me: You know the firm is shedding weight. Make dem no go use me do fitfam.

DD: LOL. Ya just crazy.

Me: Abi na. Ezz true o. Eye dey chook around here now o.

DD: Seriously sha, are you okay now? You were so grumpy yesterday.

DD: And you missed lunch too.

Me: At least i’m better. Not fully there yet but I’m definitely on the way.

DD: That’s good. I was kinda worried. What’s the problem sef?

Me: Nothing you can help with babes. I’ll get it sorted out soon though.

DD: Please do o. I don’t like you mooning around like a sick puppy.

Me: LOL. Sick puppy indeed.


My intercom rang and I dropped the blackberry, picked up the handset and breathed down the line.

“Hello, IT department here. How may we be of help?”

It was my unit head, she wanted some tapes from the archives downstairs and I had to go get them for her. I dropped the intercom and picked up the Blackberry again.


Me: Sorry babes. Madam wants tapes from the archives and I have to go get them.

Me: Holla when I come back, service down there isn’t too good.

DD: Will you pass by my office on your way down?

Me: Don’t think so. Have to hurry; she’s waiting for me as we speak.

DD: Okay, hurry back.


I put the Blackberry in my drawer and headed for the elevator.


The IT archive is a medium sized storage room just beside the generator house on the ground floor. It has a metal door and no windows with ventilation provided by two standing air conditioners which are always switched on, at least during office hours. The walls are lined with metal cabinets and shelves which hold different computer paraphernalia.


I entered the archive but left the door unlocked since I didn’t plan on staying there for too long and was busy rummaging through the bottom drawer of one of the cabinets when I heard the door suddenly open and quickly close. Turning around to see who it was, there stood Toyin grinning as if she just won a million bucks.


“Toyin. What are you doing here?’

“Bringing you a little sunshine man” she replied as she closed in on me and went down on her knees. Next thing I knew, my zipper was open and ‘lil J’ was hanging limp in the frigid air until her warm mouth closed on the shrunken meat and started working its magic, making it grow. Truth be told, a little corner of my mind was worried about the possibility of being caught or of madam unit head getting mad at me because I didn’t bring the tape on time. Majority of my senses however were devoted to decoding the myriad of scintillating sensations originating from my dick and spiraling all over my body, even to the tip of my toes.

“This is crazy babe, we could get caught.”

Toyin just kept sucking as if her life depended on it, even moaning once in a while as if she was the one being pleasured. As the sensations intensified, I grabbed her head and thrust lightly down her throat, careful enough to make sure she didn’t gag. It was crazy shit, my insides getting all warm and tingly while the blast of the cold air from the AC raised goose bumps on my skin. After a while, I could feel myself close to cumming and made to remove my dick from her mouth but she refused. Grabbing my bums, she opened her mouth wider and slid me further inside till I was hitting the soft tissue of her throat. I came in seconds and she swallowed every sticky drop. Crazy, awesome shit!


When I was done pulsing, she stood up, brought out a hanky from her skirt pocket and wiped my wet semi hard dick dry before pushing it back inside and zipping up my trousers. The she wiped her lips and smiled again at me.

“Now I hope you’re feeling much better.”

Then she turned and scurried back to the door, opened it a crack and peeped out to see if the coast was clear then turned back and gave me a little wave before she slipped out.


“What took you so long?”

“Sorry ma, the tapes were not labeled accordingly and I had to sort them before I saw the ones you wanted.”

“And who was supposed to label them, me? Just drop them and go.”

I did just that.


Back at my desk, I brought out my blackberry and pinged Toyin.

Me: You really are awesome you know?

DD: Waawu! Thank you for the compliment sir.

DD: Better now?

Me: You bet, absolutely.

DD: Good. Now get back to work.

DD: Don’t forget to smile…

I almost burst into loud laughter.


The rest of the day went by in a breeze; as did most of the week.


I was eagerly looking forward to Saturday. One of my friends had told me about the Twitter Premier League, a football competition amongst teams much like the English Premiership which was to hold at the Onikan mini stadium. According to him, it was supposed to be a good hunting ground for both babes and guys looking for either baes or nacks and also a very good incubator for very entertaining slander. There was also going to be some football which was the secondary reason for which most people attended though, their real purpose being to show off their partners, cars, clothes, shoes and any other thing deemed worthy of being shown off, identify potential mates for P setting or kpanshing and the big one – slander. I had to be there to feed my eye, who knows, maybe I might even get a take away sef. In order to blend in with the crowd I had already bought a new Manchester United jersey which I planned to rock that day with my Nike sneakers.


On the dot of 9 a.m Friday morning, my intercom rang.

“IT department, how may we be of help?”

“See me in my office, now!” Click. The line went dead.
Karishika again? What did she want this time? Wasn’t she supposed to be away on a training course or something, when did she return?


“Come in.”

Her commanding tone contrasted sharply with my hesitant knocking and I entered her office almost on tiptoes.

“Yes madam, you called me.”

She swiveled her chair to face me.

“Oh yes I did.”

She sat there observing me like a cat would observed a rat it was about to devour for a couple of seconds before she spoke again.

“Remember the meeting I had with you guys in IT with regards to our need to shed some excess luggage?”

That sounded ominous and I gulped inwardly but nodded just the same.

“Good. It seems we have our first candidates.”

I stood there, unsure of what she expected of me. Why was she telling me this? Was she just trying to scare me or something?

“Aren’t you going to ask me who they are?”

The bitch was enjoying my torment no doubt

“That reminds me, my husband said to say hi to you. He’s wondering when you’ll drop by the house again.”

Oh! So this was what she had planned. The stupid woman was trying to use the threat of sack to coerce me into giving my ass to her gay husband. She must be joking. I spoke up, my voice bristling with anger.

“With all due respect madam, I’m going to have to interrupt you here. At this juncture you should know I have no intention of coming to your house ever again or being friendly with your husband. You should be happy that I have kept your secret from people in this office. You should also be grateful that I have refrained from divulging one word of the sordid and disgusting situation that went down at your place when your husband tried to seduce me. I have decided to let sleeping dogs lie thus far because of the respect I have for you. If however you think that gives you the leverage to threaten me with dismissal in this office then maybe it’s time I start to sing like a canary.”

She just sat there with a slightly amused look. When I was done ranting she spoke.

“Are you done mister?”

I didn’t know what to make of her calmness. The rant was intended to rattle her but there she sat looking at me with a hint of a smile on her red painted lips, the exact picture of cool. She asked me again.

“Is that all you have to say or there’s something still left in your tank? Speak now or forever remain silent.”

I chose to remain silent.

“Very well, it seems you’re done talking. Let me take my own turn. What are you doing tomorrow?”

I almost laughed in her face.

“Again with all due respect madam, whatever it is I’m doing tomorrow is none of your business.”

She actually erupted into a short burst of laughter before she regained her composure.

“I’m sorry, please pardon my manners. I didn’t mean to do that at all but you looked so serious that time, as if you were about to tell me to go fuck myself. I’m mighty glad you didn’t say that though as it would have been awkward for us both.” Then the steel suddenly came back into her voice reminding me of my place and who I was dealing with here.

“Now for the last time, what exactly do you have scheduled for tomorrow?”

This time, I could see she wasn’t in the mood for any further dribbling. I seemed to have lost my advantage and I imagined myself visibly wilting under her harsh gaze. The profanity was like shock therapy.

“I have plans to attend the TPL at Onikan tomorrow ma.”

“The Twitter Premier League yeah?” I nodded; surprised that she even knew what it was.

“Nice. Here’s what’s going to happen. You’re going to leave here in a few minutes, pick up your phone, call whoever your date is for tomorrow or whoever you’re rolling with and tell them that something came up and you won’t be able to make it to the event. Capisce?”

I just looked at her as if she’d lost her mind.

“Why in the world would I want to do that? Who are you to try to order me around or tell me what I can or can’t do during my free time?”

She was back in her smiling mode.

“You really should watch your temper my dear. We wouldn’t want you to develop high blood pressure you know, people die from that. As for the reason for you cancellation or me ordering you around during your free time, I think you should come over here and have a look for yourself.”

I stood frozen in place.

”Come on, I don’t bite. Come see for yourself.”

I walked over to her desk unsure of what she had to show me. She gently swiveled her seat back in the direction of her computer and hit a button on the keyboard. Then she motioned for me to come look at the screen which went blank briefly before an image jumped out at me.


There I was in the archive room, my back resting on a metal shelf and a look of absolute bliss on my face as Toyin sucked my goddamn dick!




Abiodun is a member of the Mainland Book Café who daily juggles the Lagos hustle with running his personal blog and trying to stay sane in an increasingly insane world. Prose (fiction) and poetry roll of his pen as the spirit directs and his first collection of short stories (which is still without a title) is expected to hit the shelves very soon. He blogs at www.versesbybeordoon.com


  1. “is that all you have to say or there’s something still left in your tank? Speak now or forever remain silent.” dis part got me laughing….for some odd reason she’s hot to me wish he’d smash her too

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